… It’s not my natural state. I’m okay with attention now and then, especially positive attention, but I’m a go-along girl and a people pleaser, and I’m kind of afraid right now.
I don’t think of myself as a transgressive writer. I don’t set out on a quest to sexbother people and get their dander up. I come up with a story, and I write it as honestly and as well as I can – even if it’s something that might bother other people, or even me.
Even when I try to write something fun, that doesn’t mean I’m dismissive of it. In that way, I’m very serious about my writing, so I don’t like it when other people dismiss it as something that it isn’t.
I want to self-publish Wolf Girl. Actually, I wanted someone else to publish it for me, but no one will touch it because it has noncon by reason of love spells. My antagonist is my protagonist’s main sex partner. She doesn’t even meet her romantic interest until about halfway through the story.
I don’t think it’s a bad story. I think it has literary merit as an exploration of the monster that loneliness and anger and power can create as well as the durability of free will, no matter how skilled the manipulator. The sex is hot, the protagonist is emotionally confused but she was created to feel physical pleasure very easily, especially with the antagonist, so even as she finds her free will, she still enjoys the sex. When she’s not having sex, she fights as hard as she can.
And I think that is important. I’m not pretending the antagonist is the hero or the romantic interest – he’s definitely the villain of the piece, so I don’t advocate anything he does. Hell, you’re supposed to get angry with him. I got angry with him. And so does the protagonist.
But I don’t have a problem with readers enjoying the fantasy of being forced into pleasure, even if the protagonist and some of the other characters aren’t sure about the moral implications of it.
The funny thing is, even though there is no self-respecting, well-known erotica publishing company that will publish noncon like this, my post on Ravishment Fantasy is the article that people click on the most to get to my site.
But because no one else will touch it, I ask myself: Is it (morally) bad? Is it a dirty thing that I’ve done? Am I a bad person for enjoying the fantasy? Writing the fantasy? It’s certainly not the only fantasy I write, by any means. I enjoy writing egalitarian partnerships and femdom as well.
I have loads of hang-ups about sex, and fiction has always been the place where I could explore sexual boundaries in safety, including the undeniably popular ravishment fantasy that’s incredibly prevalent in the romance genre … but once you get explicit, it’s DOA.
Am I wrong, or are they wrong? And if I take a step outside the line in self-publishing, am I willing to step up if/when I’m called on for being a corrupter? I don’t think I am, I don’t feel like I am, but I’m not sure. I’m not sure about much, especially when it comes to ethics, since so many ethical codes seem arbitrary to me. It’s perfectly legal, but is it good? Does it matter?
I’m not sure whether a coward like me wants to become a representative for such a hot-button issue as ravishment fantasy, in fiction and in life. I’m not sure I can handle the responsibility.
So do I let what I think is a good novel languish because I’m afraid of people pointing and yelling at me and calling me evil? Or do I step up and try to keep my voice even and my head high and clear as well as I can for when it comes down to a fight? What if I try, but then when worse comes to worst, I can’t handle the pressure?
I just don’t know.